Almost a Sizzle

I've spent a lot of time recently spinning. I have been sucked into the computer again, sucked in strongly. Sabotage. No need for me to be surprised, and I am not. No commitment lasts forever, but one can always recommit. The internet world is enthralling, easy to become lost.
About two and a half years ago now, fall of grade twelve, my faith in my ability to improve the world, to inact a positive change in the world, was burried. My entire highschool career was largly a quixotic effort to make life better for my peers, the student body. I gave it my all, and burned out. I haven't really beleived I could change the world since. At least, not until a few weeks ago, around when I started this blog. My flame was rekindled, I was ready to devote myself to the world again. Then I saw the movie Zeitgeist. It shook my confidence, badly. It planted doubt in myself. Now I am coming back into myself. I was shaken again, but confidence is returning. It is a more aged confidence. Not quick as firey as before, not quite as quixotic, but wiser. Less likely to burn out fast.
So, here I am- four or five weeks in- and I've already stumbled and slipped back into old ways. That was a damn good run! Pretty much a month! Time to rise again- rise anew, commit anew. I do not feel defeated or saddened by having become distracted and scattered again. I feel renewed and invigorated. Energized.
I was watching a friend of mine, a skilled artist, work on painting a carving. The design was of Taan, in the Haida language, or a bear, in english. He said bears were a powerful symbol for this time. Bears are healing animals. They also hibernate for a third to half the year. He said that Haida culture had been hibernating for the past couple of centuries, but now it is waking up again. It made me think there is nothing wrong with hibernating, with sleeping, resting, living off your stored power (or fat), so long as you remember to wake up again.
Here I am. Six months ago, to the day, I turned twenty. Another six months, and I will have completed twenty-one years of living. On one hand, it seems like a great accomplishment. Holy hell, I've almost been alive for twenty-one years! On the other hand, I seem so young. My God! I've only been alive for twenty-one years! Most of my friends here on Haida Gwaii are at least two or three times my age. That really puts my youth into perspective. Six months left of being twenty, and I feel energetic, powerful, and dedicated.


P.S. I have decided to buy the domain "shadesofzander.com"