Last Night on Haida Gwaii

So this is my last night on Haida Gwaii. There is so much I want to write about.
Yesterday was the opening for the Haida Heritage Centre. For a lot of the time I was oddly detached from what was happening. Things were beautiful, wonderful, but I was emotionally detached.
The emotions didn't really hit me until I saw a large picture in the museum section. It featured a couple dozen Haida, dressed in their regalia, masks, and paint. A caption said that in an effort to drive out Haida culture, a missionary had everyone dress in their paint and regailia and everything "one last time." Then I felt deeply moved. THe sorrow, the power. "My God," I thought "One Last Time."
Imagine being told it was a last time you could dress as you wished, that you could celebrate your holidays, last day you could live by your own beliefs. But god damn. It wasn't the last time. Now there is the Haida Heritage Centre, now there is the glory of the living culture of the Haida people. I almost cried, seeing that picture. That "One Last Time."

And now I am heading back to Ottawa. Leaving tears me so. It seems like an act of insanity. It seems like there is no good reason to leave. But it is Time. Time seems to be a theme in my life recently. Deadlines, time lines, the past, the present, the future, memory, attention, anticipation, consciousness, awareness... Balancing it all. Moving within the requirements of time, and schedules without becoming owned by them, possessd and torn by them. I was once told that to master time, you need to study it. Keep a watch, and constantly be aware of what time it is. Time how long it takes you to do things. Watch at what time you tend to do things, how frequently you act... study yourself as an entity within time so that you may move through it without being bound by it. Seems like stable advice to me. Now I just need a good watch.

Sometimes, I feel like I am on a mountain summit, or on a stage surrounded by lights. All around I can see variations on my life, on how it will be. So many roles I could fall into so easily.
I could become an academic. Complete my bachlores, maybe return to Leuven for a Master's, three years as an associate prof at some place like King's in Halifax...maybe start a PhD at the same time, and become an expert in some field of philosophy.
I could easily become a neurotic writer like Woody Allen or Philip K. Dick. Cloister myself in genius and madness.
I had more vision of future selves earlier, but they escape me now.
But they are all not me, I feel. They are just false variations. Shades of who I am. I want the source, the true Zander that lies hidden in these stereotypes, archetypes and roles. Nights like this, on the edge of a journey, makes me feel like I am at a crossroads. Reminds me that I live in a state of perpetual cross roads. Well, my laptop battery is dying. Goodnight everyone.
Love,
Zander

Days

Only days left on Haida Gwaii. It seems like time is just flying by. still feel good, still feel really good, really glad to be finished work.

It is something I really enjoy, to be able to dictate what I do and when... to not have precise deadlines for being places... I am determined now not to end up with a job that has regular hours. It simply is not as fun.

Which brings me to writing. I have felt he inclination towards writing recently, but haven't ended up doing so. I think a lot of the inspiration is coming from a book series I have been reading, called "The Prince of Nothing." Its the first fantasy I've read in a few years, but damn it is good. The author is a Canadian, and a scholar in the fields of literature, philosophy, history, and religion. And you can really tell that he is. Never have I read a book where philosophy plays such an active role in what happens. That alone was inspiring, and more so, for some reason, I've always been inspired to write when I read fantasy, even though I find almost all of it to be poorly written. Or maybe that's why I find it so inspiring- I see so much room for improvement.

But the battery in my laptop nears death. So I must sign off. I haven't really said what I wanted to say, because, unlike most blog posts I've made, I've started without a clear topic in mind. I am just flabbergasted at how quickly the summer has pasted, and at the dramatic difference between working and not working.
Cheers beautiful people!
Zander.

Soon

Yesterday was my last day of work. Holy hell, its hard to believe I've finished my first real job.

Let me say, it was a damn cushy job. Fun, easy, educational, unstressful, excellent management, awesome co-workers and good pay.

Yet I feel an immense relief that it is over. I immediately felt ten times better, like a huge load had been lifted. It amazes me how much I dislike working under someone else's schedule. I always feel strain when doing so. Even when I enjoy what I am doing, I want to do it on my schedule, or else I get... I don''t know the word... I guess one could say resentful, but thats not quite right. Nor is lethargic...but its like if I am doing it when someone says I should, instead of when I decide I should, then it is automatically less fun. It is like it takes it away from me. Something I have to do, instead of something I rise to do.

I am reminded of my studies of the Neoplatonists, where heterokinesis and homokinesis are discusses. To be heterokinetic is to have your soul moved by the events of the world, while homokinesis is to have your soul move itself. I thought for a while that it was this principle applying to me- I did not want to be heterokinetic.

Then I realized that is just a fancy way of saying "I want what I want when I want it, how I want it, or I don't really want it." Puts a whole other light on things, eh?

So here I sit. My first day of work. Damn I feel good. It also feels like I have finally and truely arived on Haida Gwaii. What a spaz that makes me. Not truly being here because I am working? Shite. And only a week left.

Well dear people, I wish you all a good night. Please have sweet, engaging dreams.
Cheers eternally,
Zander

So I have been sick, and I have been stressed. And when I am not feeling good, I don't want to post. I tell myself I should, but it just doesn't happen. Right now I am feeling pretty stressed about our bus ride back to Ottawa. My father, who is travelling with me, bought the tickets doing what research he could, and mostly talking to the Greyhound people on the phone, but it appears to me that said greyhound people had no idea what they are talking about. So we may need to change our tickets around, but right now we are scheduled to arrive in Ottawa on the 30th of August, at 2 in the morning.

I am also worried about Leuven. In theory, everything should happen by the deadline. In theory. Everything is lined up, I have time to do everything I still need to do. But if anything takes longer then it should, I make be shit out of luck.

As I said before, I have been feeling a bit down. Sorta functioning at a level lower then before. There have been times when I have nearly broken through to where I was before, but not quite. Couldn't stay there, only touch it.

I am also missing a lot of people. I look forward to seeing everyone again in a few weeks. I am really sorry I probably won't be seeing Denika for a few years.

Its weird. So weird to think this summer may be over. A month to the day, I will be leaving for Leuven. It is amazing when I think of everything that has to happen in that month. Amazing. Odd to think of what has happened in the past three months.

I don't want to ramble, I don't want to waste your time. I have been doing better then past few days, and I will force myself to keep in touch, and keep blogging.
Cheers, my dear, dear, dear readers.
Zander

Almost a Sizzle

I've spent a lot of time recently spinning. I have been sucked into the computer again, sucked in strongly. Sabotage. No need for me to be surprised, and I am not. No commitment lasts forever, but one can always recommit. The internet world is enthralling, easy to become lost.
About two and a half years ago now, fall of grade twelve, my faith in my ability to improve the world, to inact a positive change in the world, was burried. My entire highschool career was largly a quixotic effort to make life better for my peers, the student body. I gave it my all, and burned out. I haven't really beleived I could change the world since. At least, not until a few weeks ago, around when I started this blog. My flame was rekindled, I was ready to devote myself to the world again. Then I saw the movie Zeitgeist. It shook my confidence, badly. It planted doubt in myself. Now I am coming back into myself. I was shaken again, but confidence is returning. It is a more aged confidence. Not quick as firey as before, not quite as quixotic, but wiser. Less likely to burn out fast.
So, here I am- four or five weeks in- and I've already stumbled and slipped back into old ways. That was a damn good run! Pretty much a month! Time to rise again- rise anew, commit anew. I do not feel defeated or saddened by having become distracted and scattered again. I feel renewed and invigorated. Energized.
I was watching a friend of mine, a skilled artist, work on painting a carving. The design was of Taan, in the Haida language, or a bear, in english. He said bears were a powerful symbol for this time. Bears are healing animals. They also hibernate for a third to half the year. He said that Haida culture had been hibernating for the past couple of centuries, but now it is waking up again. It made me think there is nothing wrong with hibernating, with sleeping, resting, living off your stored power (or fat), so long as you remember to wake up again.
Here I am. Six months ago, to the day, I turned twenty. Another six months, and I will have completed twenty-one years of living. On one hand, it seems like a great accomplishment. Holy hell, I've almost been alive for twenty-one years! On the other hand, I seem so young. My God! I've only been alive for twenty-one years! Most of my friends here on Haida Gwaii are at least two or three times my age. That really puts my youth into perspective. Six months left of being twenty, and I feel energetic, powerful, and dedicated.


P.S. I have decided to buy the domain "shadesofzander.com"