Processes

So I finally bawled. I’ve known a good cry was coming since Mary died, and it just took five days to happen. It’s amazing how therapeutic crying is. I feel so much better, just from five minuets of crying. Yesterday, I was distracted, scattered, and discombobulated. So many big things happening in such a short period of time-my brain was fried. This morning I was irritable, taking everything personally. But now, now I am good. A weight has evaporated.
I am pretty scared right now. I am scared because I might not be able to go to Leuven, and I might not find out if I can go until after the deadline for Carleton registration. I am afraid I am still sabotaging myself, and that I am not doing all I want to do with my life. I am afraid of going to Leuven next year, and the change it represents in my life. I am afraid of other things that I cannot explain briefly (await later posts). I am afraid I am holding the pain of loosing Mary under the surface, and it is festering there.
I am angry with myself for holding the pain it, and not dealing with it. I am angry at myself for putting off doing the paperwork for so long that I might not be able to go on exchange to Leuven next year. I am angry with myself for still not being able to keep my living environment clean and tidy and organized. I am angry at myself for being afraid to go to Leuven, and angry with myself for still sabotaging myself.
But being angry with myself… surely that is being self-defeating as well. I need to let it all go. The past few weeks have been filling with the preparations, ceremonies, and trappings of letting go, but none of them replace the simple act of release, only try to facilitate it. I have not been able to fully let go yet. I started the process with the cry, and continued it with this post, by my work is not over.
You know, I have been moving forwards a lot recently, growing a lot, but I have put all my energy on development, on becoming, and barely any on letting go. On shedding the old and useless. Taking up new burdens, while still carrying the weight of the past. Growth always involves change, and change invariably involves death. Mary is dead. Another part of my identity turns out to be another shade of Zander. I release them to the wind.
I have a lot to blog about. A LOT of stuff. Things have recently been happening so fast, life become so dense that I’ve felt intimidated by the task of blogging it.

Before I forget, here is this weeks list.

- Get in passport forms! Tuesday at the latest!
- Push ups ever day. I commit.
- Drive at least once. I need to start practicing again.
- Work towards letting go.
- Work on the script for Keir
- Get a doctor’s appointment
- Call the CORRECT people about getting another copy of my high school diploma