This Blog Is an Attempt to Chronicle Joy, Pain, and Life Experienced in Accordance to the Truth of My Heart.
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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Sometimes, a little rot makes its way through the tooth's defenses, and starts to eat away at the soft and vulnerable dentin. From the outside, everything looks normal, but inside the tooth is decaying, all through its centre. Then the enamel crumbles away, and suddenly the nerve is exposed. This happened to me recently, both literally and metaphorically.

An old book on the shelf tells me that decay of the "4-6" tooth represents being "self-defeating."

I can understand that. I've done my share of self-sabotaging. Who hasn't? But for the past little while, being self-defeating has seemed like a lifestyle. An inescapable lifestyle, for in the past I have tied, and failed, to break away from it.

It hurt- both the way of life, and the tooth. I had the tooth drilled and filled. I refused anesthetic. I hurt. It was the greatest pain I have ever lived. By far. Every pain I believed to have had experienced is negligible by comparison. Before the process was over, I asked for anesthetic. By that point, in a room cold enough to have had me shivering before the drilling started, my whole body was sweating. I could feel it running down the backs of my legs. While the dentist, a very gentle man, was working, it was all I could do to remember to take breaths, and not move my jaw. I was told the decay was on the nerve, and the nerve itself needed to be drilled or scraped. That really, really hurt.

I took more pain then I ever imagined I was capable of withstanding. One of the few coherent thoughts I could hold during the drilling was that the pain I am experiencing is the pain of being self-defeating.

And I've had enough of it. Enough of not living the life I was born to live, the life that makes me happiest. Enough of being afraid of doing the good work enjoined in living in such a life, and enough of placing highest value on wallowing in the distractions I picked up along the way to keep myself complacent.

So now, taking the lesson of the pain as a milestone, I commit to honour myself. I will no longer let my life drift away without purpose. What purpose? Stay tuned. This blog is an attempt to chronicle joy, pain, and life experienced in accordance to the truth of my heart.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Zander - you are incredibulous.
I would not be able to fully understand how painful it must've been for you to undergo such dental torment. You're very strong. And you're very capable. Once/if you return, I'm going to give you a huge hug because you deserve one. You also deserve rot-free teeth. Heheh. :P :) I send you lots of love, energy, and happiness - through the Internet. Ah, gotta love technology. :P

/hugs

Ash Colton said...

I'm Excited to hear more, Great start.

Lilia said...

Hi my dear Zander - thank you for sharing all this with me. It's a real honor for me. I'll read you all the time from now on. We really miss you! A big warm hug, Lilia

Woodsy said...

Please, just say, "NO" to pain... and take drugs! lol!!!

Zander said...

I'll be back Ady, just not for long this year. Thank you for your love, hugs and support. I wish you all the same.

Ash, Thank you. I appreciate your attention and hope you continue to enjoy it.

You are very welcome, dear Lilia, it is my pleasure and privilege to share. In brief, I also feel honoured that you will be reading my blog. I miss you too!

Woodsy...you my dear are trouble as always. Life requires some measure of pain, it is part of the friction of living. Our best option is to experience what pain we must beautifully, and in pursuit of our highest good. Great, no I sound like an Aristotelian.

Cheers and love, everyone!
Zander.

Woodsy said...

Is it a bad thing to sound like an Aristotelian?

Zander said...

Well, once a person gets hardcore into philosophy, they develop a unique dialect of English. This dialect reflects who they study, and whose works they put stock into. So if I am sounding like an Aristotelian, it would suggest that my own philosophical understanding of the world is similar Aristotle. And my worldview is quite different from Aristotle's, so I don't want to sound like I am one of his followers.

Woodsy said...

And let's not forget that Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle!